Before Jesus Changed My Life
Growing up, I lived in two separate households. One where my faith was being grown and poured into, and the other where I was being challenged and led away. This polar opposite life I was living left me very confused, and it was showing in my spiritual life. I went to a private Christian school and never really made church a priority. I didn’t really seek out Jesus unless I was hurting or needed something. I sought out worldly things more than God or a relationship with him. My mental health was pretty low for a long time, and my lukewarm ‘Christian’ friends or the people I was exposed to weren't leading me down the right paths. I was engaging in sinful worldliness while also thinking the occasional prayer and thought about God was enough. I was just going through the motions, not seeking out a personal connection with Christ. I called myself a Christian, but my life, actions, and choices did not reflect that, and I often made excuses for not seeking out God more. I felt hopeless, alone, empty, unwanted, and not enough.
How Jesus Changed My Life
Jesus met me at an unexpected place. About three years ago, my great-grandmother on my dad's side of the family, who had been battling cancer on and off for a long time, was in hospice. My Grannie was the only family member on that side who was a Christian (And a strong one at that!). In the days before her death, the whole family gathered at her house. So the night before she died, as I was sitting beside her, I looked around, and I realized how much grief, utter loss of hope, and sadness was all around me. I found myself wondering why I wasn't crying or all that sad.
My Grannie and I were close and spent a lot of time together, especially when I was growing up. At this point in my life, I was not in my Bible unless it was for a school assignment. The only verse I could recite from memory was John 3:16. But as I looked back at my Grannie, the numbers 23:4 popped into my head. I was so confused about why they wouldn't get out of my head and wondered what they meant, so I looked it up in my Bible app. The results showed me Psalm 23:4: “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. For you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me.” I kept reciting in my head, “You are with me; your rod and your staff comfort me,” over and over. Suddenly I felt overcome with something that felt almost like joy, and I fully believe that in that moment I felt the Holy Spirit's presence. I was suddenly filled with hope and a peace that surpassed all understanding. I realized that I, probably the only one there, had total reassurance that Grannie was in the best hands. God's hands. I was able to be a steady island in a sea of the unknown and the end for my family because I knew that death was not the end for Grannie and that I would see her again someday. For the first time, I think I truly believed in Jesus and the active presence that he had in my life.
After that day three years ago, I began building an independent faith and discovering more about Him. It wasn't always a linear process, and I still have days where I struggle, but that's one of the greatest parts of the saving grace that God offers us! He will always be waiting to welcome you back to him with open arms, and I've had to run back to him many times after I realized my sin. The gospel is all about God's saving grace despite our sin. That Jesus was promised and sent to earth as a man, died a brutal death in propitiation of our sins (1 John 2:2-3), and then gave us a way to have eternal life with him. Not by any works that I or anyone else could do, but only by faith can we be saved. (Romans 3:23-24, 4:8).
After Jesus Changed My Life
Now that I am a believer in Christ, despite the difficulties and despite the non-linear progression of my faith, I am able to cast all my anxieties on him (1 Peter 5:7), and I truly believe that he cares for me, that through the struggles I can fully depend on him, and that there is hope despite them. I am confident that he has a plan and a purpose for everything, and that through everything I can have the joy of the Lord and the peace that he freely gives that surpasses all understanding. A major theme in my life is reflected in James 1:2-3, where he says, “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.” Some Sundays, when I was alone, I would just sit in the back and cry during worship. By making that choice, despite the lack of support, to wake up every Sunday and make it a priority to go to church, I have found that God has strengthened my faith and given me even more dependence on and need for him. Through reflection and by sharing what He's done in my own life, I have been able to pour into others and, hopefully, help plant seeds in their lives as well.
I am still working on choosing him in the small, everyday choices, and I still struggle with sin. Romans 8:38-39 says that nothing will be able to separate us from God's love. Nothing can take away my salvation. I am a beautifully and wonderfully made unique child of God. He is a good and faithful God who will always be waiting for me with arms wide open to welcome me back every time I fall short. I believe in him and what he's done, and I am forever excited to continue my eternal life with him.